Godzilla

Godzilla (or Gojira if you’re from China) is a film about a mega massive hench lizard monster that loves to be cheeky and destroy loads of buildings and stuff. There have been about one thousand different films with Gojira in, but this one is good because it’s not in foreign. At first I thought that this was a sequel to the excellent one from twenty years ago but then I remembered that they did a cartoon sequel for that which had a friendly Gojira monster in it. This is totally different.

It stars Brian Cranston as a scientist whose wife dies and then he goes a bit nuts and dies pretty early on which is a waste because he’s a brilliant actor. The proper main character is one of those wooden meat heads that can’t act that Hollywood seems to love who plays the son of Brian. He is married to Marykateandashley Olsons sister and she is a proper cutie. Probably the other most known actor is Ken Whatanarbay who loves to always say Gojira.

The plot can be summed up by two naughty evil monsters march towards America to mate and Gojira wants to eat them so he goes on holiday to America. LET THE FIGHT BEGIN. Cue loads of action packed scenes of buildings blowing up, army guys shooting things and monsters battering each other. There’s also a mega nice scene when the army guys jump out of a plane and parachute into the ruined city which looks proper cool. I won’t spoil the ending but Gojira wins by using some sick lightning breath attack which is pure badass.

All in all I really really enjoyed this film because of the action and because Gojira is cool so I will give it a WELL NICE/10. It could have scored higher if it had a theme song by Jamiroquai or if Brian Cranston had been in the whole film.

Attack the Block

Set in a London block of flats fam. Attack the Block is about some hooded youths fam who merk up a mad ting alien orang-utan type ting and then get chased by more alien tings in their ends. I thought this was gonna be like ET with a nice alien but it’s very sweary and violent film. My mum forgot to change to password to Amazon instant video so I watched this without her knowing. F**K DA FEDS FAM. One of the lads in it is from the Force Awakens so I thought he might use a lightsaber to kill the aliens, but dat aint how ting go down in da ends ya feel me. I really enjoyed this film because it has some good killings in it and is pretty scary yet very action packed at the same time. One lad gets his head pulled off and some others get clawed to pieces. It’s full of banging tunes and grime stuff music which is very popular at the moment so that is nice. It’s also really funny and is an underrated film. Overall I give this film a MADE TING NICE/10. It could have scored higher if it had some face hugger aliens like in the film Alien but the monkey aliens are still pretty cool fam. I reckon if aliens attacked my block then I’d be dead by them.

Star Wars Ranked

In this article I am gonna rank the Star Wars films from most not nice to best most nice. I am only including the 7 main films and Rouge One. Mega epic rubbish not nice ones like the Ewok one will not be included. I am also not including any amimated ones just because I don’t want to. I did change my mind a bit since Rouge One because I said in that review that I liked Episode 3 more than I do now.

8. Episode 4 A New Hope.

This movie was always my least favourite since I first saw it 2 years or so ago. It looks very dated and the lightsaber fight between Obi One and Dark Vader is laughably bad. It’s still a nice film don’t get me wrong but it’s just a bit boring compared to the others. The Death Star is a cool villain though and I like Chewbacca.

 

7. Episode 3 Revenge of the Sith

The acting is well bad in this film and so is the dialogue. “Oh Padme I love you but I’ll choke you to death lol” I like the lightsaber fight between Obi One and Anakin and burning Anakin was very scary but it just felt a bit average to me.

 

6. Episode 5 The Empire Strikes Back

This will probably get some hate because people seem to love this film but I don’t care. It’s still dated like 4 but a bit less so because it came out after it. The main reason I don’t like it is because there’s too much snow and the swamp planet with Yoda is bare boring. It’s only this high because Dark Vader is Luke’s dad. That bit was well shocking to me so George Lucas did a good job.

 

5. Episode 1 The Phantom Menace

I feel like this film is underrated. Sure it’s not the best in the series but the acting of Young Ani is decent for a kid and Natalie Portman is very cute. I also love the pod racing scene and the fight with Dark Maul is the best in the series by 10000000000000000 miles. Plus the toys for this film are really cool like Jar Jar plush toys and I got a nice micro machines set of the pod racers. The only bad point is that Liam Neeson dies again.

 

4. Episode 6 Return of the Jedi

This film is definitely the best of the first trilogy because it’s the least oldest one. It also contains the well cute Ewoks and has the cool speeder bike chase, which really gets my blood pumping. Probably the only reason it’s not in my top 3 is because the top 3 are better. But this is still a mega WELL NICE film.

 

3. Star Wars Rouge One

As stated in my review for this it’s a really really nice film. SO GO READ THAT REVIEW.

 

2. Episode 2 Attack of the Clones

This film is epic and has loads of proper cool bits in. Like Jango Fett and The Jedi v Robot arena fight and Dooku vs Yoda fight and Anakin getting his arms cut off. It’s pretty much non stop action from start to finish. R2D2 and C3PO are really funny in it as well, especially the bit when C3PO gets his head changed round. I also like that you see other jedi fight instead of the normal few. So yeah, it’s a great film. Only beaten by…

 

1. Episode 7 The Force Awakens

I’d never really been a big fan of the series until I heard that this film was coming out and my mum told me to watch the other films. I am glad that she took me to the cinema for this film because it is AMAZINGLY NICE. It’s got humour, sick action scenes like the assault on Maz Canadas pub and has a really cool bad guy in Ky Loren. His lightsaber is so awesome that I got all the toys of him and a light up lightsaber. It’s also nice to see Han and the gang back. (RIP Carrie Fisher) and the death of Han was proper shocking so again well done George Lucas. Probably the only thing I didn’t love in this film was C3PO’s red arm because it did not make any sense. But that is only a little thing.

 

Thanks for reading my list.

John Wick 2

(Woah, Spoilers)

John Wick 1 was a well nice action film from a few years or so back that featured an angry Keenwa Reeves doing bare killings because someone killed his dog (which was horrid) and stoled his car. This new film is the sequel to the first John Wick and I just watched it at the movies. In this film John has to do an assassination on a woman because an Italian guy ask him to and blows up his house in a mega big explosion. Fortunately his new dog does not die because I would have left the cinema. So John goes to Italy and the woman kills herself in the bath because of some reasons. John then gets double crossed by the bloke and a contract for £7 pounds put on him. He has to fight off loads of shit assassins when he gets back to America and kills two of them with a pencil which was like a proper sick killings. Then he meets Morphio from the Matrix and goes to an art show to kill the Italian. He does more sick killings on the beard unit and then kills a deaf girl. I missed that bit because I needed to do the toilet. It ends with him shooting the Italian right in the head in a hotel and then getting excomunicanded by the hotel owner because shooting people is only acceptable in a Premier Inn and not in a nice hotel. Then right at the very end John has to run because now the whole world wants him dead. Overall I really enjoyed this film because it has some sick killings in it and some good karate chops and punches, so I will give it a WELL NICE/10. It could have scored higher if it had shown the lady fully nude before she killed herself and if there was some high flying Matrix style stuff in it.

Red Cliff pt 1 and 2

Red Cliff is a two part war epic that last nearly five hours. Set in China during the samurai period it’s full of swords and spears and horses and illnesses that got cured like 100 years ago. Follow the exploits of people with names I cannot pronounce let alone spell as they fight against some dick head bloke who wants to kill em all. I really enjoyed this film because it featured proper loads of killings and boats got set on fire and stuff but it was hard to follow at times because it was all in foreign. NEWS FLASH HOLLYWOOD. If I wanted to read I’d buy a Harry Potter book and not watch a film. But apart from that it was very entertaining. Part 1 was like the build up to the big fight scene and it showed how the main baddie killed people and was an all round dick bag. Then part two was like the full battle and the good looking china guy called upon the power of the wind and burned everyone. Apparently it is based on some well old battle so I like the fact that it was historically real. Overall I give both parts a WELL NICE/10. It would have scored higher if the China people spoke in English, because let’s face it English is a better language. I would also have liked it more if it was set during the Battle of Hastings, which is my favourite battle ever because we beat the Germans.

The Ajustment Bureua

Starring Matt Damon of Matt Damon fame, Emily ‘Woman on a Train’ Blunt and loads of fedora wearing hipster weirdos comes the mind bending Kafkaesque Adjustment Bureau. Follow politician Matt as he loses an election because he showed his bottom once and then gets captured by some blokes who can adjust your brain. A bureau of adjustments if you will. 3 YEARS LATER. Matt can’t find Emily Blunt and is like proper well sad but then he spots her from a bus (which is a bit like the plot of Woman on a Train) and gets bare happy but the hat men are very angry BECAUSE IT DOESN’T FOLLOW THEIR PLANS and they’re like angles serving god or summat weird. There’s a nice scene when Matt and Emily have sex (but it doesn’t show any rude bits) and then an old hat man stands over their snoozing bodies which was proper creepy.  Then they split up again. 11 MONTHS LATER.  Matt is determined to win the girl of his dreams so he sides with a hat man who cares and uses the power of the hat to travel through doors a bit like that scene in The Matrix with the doors, but The Matrix was a hatless affair. What follows is loads of scenes of a hatless Matt Damon running in the rain whilst some nice music plays in the background and the naughty hat men chase him using their magic pads of paper. It is an exhilarating scene and I thought it was really well made with some well good meez-en-sen. (My friend told me about this and it’s like a proper technical term that real film review guys use so it will make my reviews look more nicer). Near the end of the film Matt turns a door handle the other way and ends up inside Hatland. I didn’t properly understand the ending but The Chairman (who it does not show) who is probably god goes YOLO and lets Matt and Emily stay together which is nice for them. Overall I give this film a WELL NICE/10 because Matt Damon looked cool in a hat and because it reminded me a bit of a Frank Kafka book I read and I’m dead clever when it comes to reading books. It would have got a higher score if they had given Emily Blunt a hat as well but you can’t have everything in life. I would like a nice hat.

Source Code

Source Code is a very nice film about the rather dashing Jake Gillinghall being on a train but it’s a good film unlike the Emily Blunt film probably is about a girl on a train. In the film Jake has to try and stop a bomb being blowed up and killing well loads of people by being on a train that blows up and keeps blowing up. To do this he enters the matrix or summat similar and goes back in time like in that hunky Tom Cruise film Live Die Repeat which also stars Emily Blunt. PLOT TWIST. HE’S A HEAD IN A BOX. I think. Near the end he saves a girl who he fancies and she lives with him in the source code, so that was nice for him. All in all this was a well written film and confusing but Jake is a nice looking bloke even as a head, so I’ll give it a WELL NICE/10. It could have got a higher score but it hurt my head and made me feel like a head in a box at times.

Harry Potter Episode 2

If you liked the first Harry Potter film then you might like this one as well. Even though it’s the most not nice in the series. Return to Hogwarts with Harry and the gang and meet new characters like the cheeky little gremlin thing Dobby who loves to drop cake on people and loves socks (he’d be happy at Christmas time if my boring mum gave him socks for a present) and the heroic Professor Lockhart aka the best thing about the film. I don’t like this film as much as the first one because even though Lockhart is very nice and Lucius Malfoy is not nice and very nice at the same time it just felt a bit rubbish. The book of the film that JK Rowling wroted after this film was also the most not nice in the series. The plot was a bit weird as well because a diary or summat was controlling a big snake and making people into stone like a medusa and Hermione got stoned and Harry had to kill the diary. Other than that not much really happened except Harry learns a nice new important spell and there is a bit with Harry and Ron in a flying car which was pretty neat. Oh my mum just told me that the diary was owned by Voldemort and that’s why it was evil and it will be an important plot point in the later films. Thanks mum. All in all I give this film a MEDIUM NICE/10. It might have got lower but it had a well nice song for Fawkes the pheenix so that was nice.

Harry Potter Episode 1

The first film in the very popular Harry Potter series is also known as The Philsopholers Stone or Sorcerers Stone because that’s easier to say and spell. Journey away from the land of muggles into the weird a wonderful world of Potterville. Meet iconic characters like YOU ARE A WIZARD HARRY, the cute Hermione and Ginger Ron Weasley. In this film Harry goes to wizard school and meets some nice people and some not nice people like Professor Snape and Malfoy. There’s also an extremely very not nice bloke called Voldemort who tried to kill Harry but couldn’t because of love or summat and he is in the back of a blokes head and tries to get the sorcerers stone to come out of the back of the head. SPOILERS. I really enjoyed this film more than the books because films are easier to watch than books are. It has some real nice acting by all the english actors and some hilariously young acting from the kids but they do kind of get better by episode 5 or so. The scenery made me feel like I was actually in Hogwarts and actually taking charms class which was nice. I have spoken to a lot of people about this film and a lot of them say it is a bit not nicer compared to the later films but I like this film anyway. All in all I’ll give this film a WELL NICE/10 because I liked the broomstick football game. It could probably have got a higher score if it had some swearing and some killings in it like Game of Thrones apparently has, but I’m not allowed to watch Game of Thrones because my mum says it has nudey people in it and that’s rude. Oh well.

Star Wars Rouge One

Once upon a time in a universe far away someone had to stop the Death Star being built. Star Wars Rouge One is the story of a real nice band of rebels that got given a well hard task. Featuring the cutey Jane Also, a proper dashing but well boring Han Solo type guy, a blind asian bloke and his none blind friend who is also asian, a proper cheeky but dead strong robot person and some of the best CGI people this side of Mos Eisley. In the film there are lots of big explosions and some very nicely done spaceship fights in space which got me proper excited. I have been a fan of Star Wars for ages since I first saw the Force Awakens on DVD and this film is easily the fifth best of the trilogy behind the Force Awakens, the Phantom Menace, Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith. I like this film because it is new though. Oh, I forgot that Dark Vader is in this film for a bit and he gets like proper well angry and kills some rebels so I think this is my third best Star Wars film. I rate it WELL NICE/10. It could have scored higher if it had included a more hilarious character like Jar Jar Binks in it because he was a good toy for the kids and the robot will not be as nice a toy as Jar Jar Binks.

PS – Why did it not have the scrolling text wall at the start like the other films? Is this not a proper Star Wars film? Confused.com I am.