Captain America The First Avenger

It is World War 2 and Chris Evans is a little weedy midget who wants to go and fight the Nazis but isn’t allowed to. So a German doctor gives him loads of steroids so he can be well muscly and beat up Hitler and win the war.

Meanwhile in Germany, Elrond and his little science pal Gianfranco Zola are using the tesseract to create loads of super powerful weapons to blow up the world and send an evil assassin to kill the German doctor who helps Chris Evans. Chris doesn’t like this and decides to become Captain America, a guy in a USA flag with a shield.

When he learns that his boyfriend Bucky has been captured he goes to Germany with the super cute hot Peggy to try and rescue him. He bumps into Elrond who pulls his face off and shows that he is a red skull faced elf and is evil like Sauron.

Joining forces with some other soldier dudes who aren’t roided up he starts attacking loads of hydra bases to try and find red skull guy, but oh no Bucky died off a train and I was well sad and cried a bit.

Cap finally catches up with red skull and there are loads of big explosions and shooting and killings and there’s a fight on massive plane jet. Red skull grabs the tesseract and gets burned alive or teleported into space or summat. Cap realises he has to crash the plane to save the world but that he won’t never get to do rude things with Peggy, which was confusing coz I thought he was going out with Bucky.

70 years later he wakes up in a hospital room and Nick Furry tells him he’s been asleep for ages and to stop being lazy.

Overall I give this film a WELL NICE/10. Mainly because it was good for BLT people to have a gay superhero. It would have scored higher if Cap, Bucky and Peggy had all had a threesome and I’d seen a willy but that’s my loss I guess.

 

Thor Chapter 1

The 3rd film in the marvellous cinema universe (I don’t include boring Hulk films) stars the hunky Chris Hemsworth as the greek god of hammers Thor. When the snow people invade Asgard, Thor, his four pals, and the cheeky bad boy Loki travel to the north pole to fight them and end up starting a big war. Odin who is the dad of Thor gets well aggro at him and banishes him to Earth and chucks his hammer Molnor to Earth as well.

Thor bumps into the absolute top cute babe that is Natalie Portman (from my favourite Star Wars films) and ends up falling in love with her after about twenty minutes. He finds his hammer but he can’t lift it even though his muscles are well big and oily.

Meanwhile on Asgard, Loki finds out he’s actually a snow person and Odin falls asleep coz he’s well old and lazy. Loki then gets in charge and sends a massive bench robot to go and kill Thor because he doesn’t like Thor or summat. His mates come to help him but the robot absolutely batters them, but then Thor tries to sacrifice himself and his hammer decides it’s mates with him again and he beats up the robot.

I was getting a bit bored by this point and started playing Animal Crossing instead, but Thor goes back home, beats up Loki and then Loki falls off Rainbow Road and Odin wakes up. Thor doesn’t go back and see Natalie Portman because she was too keen. (I wish she’d be my girlfriend instead because I wouldn’t leave her to go to Asgard because I’m from Chorley.)

Then you have to wait like 40 minutes for the credits to end so you can see Nick Furry do summat that sets up the next film.

Overall I give this film a THOR/10 (Get it?) because Natalie Portman looks cute with hair and Chris Hemsworth is a sexy god. It would have scored higher if Iron Man was in it.

Iron Man 2

Iron man 2 is the sequel to Iron man 1. Robert Downey Junior is once again strapping into the suit of Iron man to kick some ass, drive some super fast cars and look at some sexy cute women. Only this time in a film that isn’t as good as the first one.

The baddie is a russian lad who is angry at Robert for something that Robert didn’t even do and cuts his formula 1 car in half with some fancy electronic whips. Robert beats him up and the russian man gets sent to prison but then Justin Hammer breaks russian out of prison by hammering the doors down lol and gets him to work for him.

I got bored in this film apart from Scarlet Johnson who is well cute, so I went on the big downstairs computer and looked at some rude pics of Scarlet. Don’t tell my mum coz I was very naughty and she might confiscate my nintendo switch.

Anyway, Iron man and Don Cheadle fight all these army drone robots and then russian bloke comes and they easily beat him because he was a rubbish villain. Then Nick Fury who has a cool eye patch tells Robert that he likes him and the film ends.

Overall I give this film a BORINGLY NICE/10 because I like Don Cheadle and because Scarlet Johnson is cute.

Iron Man

Robert Downey Junior is a well rich guy who likes to drive fast cool cars and do make love to ladies (it doesn’t show any nudey bits though). He goes to Iraq or summat to show some big strong weapons to the army but then gets captured by Osama bin Laden. The evil naughty terrorists tell him he has to build them a nuclear weapon to kill the capitalist west but he’s well cheeky and actually makes a cool suit and turns into a robot and kills Bin Laden. He is now IRON MAN.

Iron Man decides that making weapons is too boring and decides to make more Iron man suits to kick some al-qaeda arse. There’s loads of explosions and killings and it was fun to see The USA kick some shepherds about. Iron Man puts Pepper Pot in charge (because Salt Pot was too busy rolf) and she mopes around eating quinoa and doing yoga.

Then his bald mate who runs the business with him decides to be evil and also makes a big suit and they have a big punch up and fly around for a bit until Iron man kills fake iron man and they all live happily ever after.

I rate this movie WELL NICE/10 because Don Cheadle was cool as his black mate and because it’s a clever part of the big marvellous cinema universe.

The Matrix Trilogy

Journey into a strange world of leather outfits and people punching each other in The Matrix trilogy. Keenu Reeves plays Thomas Anderson who is Neo who is THE ONE. He’s a bit like Jesus but with nicer sunglasses. When Morphus who is played by Denzel Washington makes Neo eat a pill he realises that the world is a computer and that robots eat babies. In the first Matrix film called The Matrix, Neo must fight with his lady friend called Trinity and beat up some men in suits who are mega strong, to save Morphus. There’s some sick gun fights in a building and they do slow motion bullet time which is mega amazing to watch.

Then in The Matrix reloaded watch Neo beat up a man in a suit x100000 in some of the best CGI of the 00’s. There’s also an amazingly fast bit on a motorway when everyone is jumping on cars and punching each other, which doesn’t seem very safe to me. Then get prepared for the best bits of the film. Fillosophical talking with the Marrowvingan, a french bloke who has a wife with big boobies. Then MORE fisolophical talking with The Architect, who I think is a robot computer man who made The Matrix. It was a bit complicated to follow and my mum didn’t understand it either coz she’s thick.

Then woahhh at the final part of the trilogy, The Matrix Revolutions. This is probably the best part coz it has these sick robots with guns on and they have to fight all the bad norti robots. And there’s an asian man (who I don’t think is Jackie Chan) and he’s battering all the robots screaming ARGGGHHHHH and then they cut him to bits. It was quite sad. Then there’s more Marrowvingan and Neo has to beat up Agent Smith to save the galaxy. But he dies. So does Trin as well. Morphus survives though and pulls a cute woman.

All in all I would give the Matrix trilogy an extremely nice/10. My favourite bit was when Neo had to punch Agent Smith in the park and there was like a million Agent Smiths. It probably would have scored higher but the Marrowvingen wasn’t in the first film and he’s my favourite character.

Overlord

Overlord is a film set in World War 1, which was ages ago. In the film some soldiers from America have to try and kill the Nazi guys coz they’re right norti and cheeky. The start was proper bombastic with a plane getting blown up and a guy jumping out and landing in France. They meet up with a France girl and she is quite cute and she has an aunt living with her who breathes like a pig and is all mutated and stuff. It was quite creepy. Then Euron Greyjoy from Game of Thrones (which my mum doesn’t let me watch coz it’s rude) comes and he’s a bad big Nazi guy. He tries to do sex with the France girl but the main character is like No. Stop it.

They beat him up loads and then the main character ends up in some secret lab with weird experiments like a woman who is just a head but can still speak. Very creepy. Then loads of shooting happens and the bad Nazi escapes and an American soldier gets turned into like a monster or summat and they have to bash his face in. The next thing that happens is that they have to go back in the lab to blow up a church. This is when all the real killings start. A man gets grenades in his mouth and his head comes off and then loads of bad Nazis get shot by the good guys. Then Euron has injected himself with super juice (twice) so he becomes a mega angry monster.

In the end he gets blown up and everyone lives happily ever after and America wins the war. I liked this film even though I thought there should have been bare more killings in it and loads more monsters. My friend paid for the cinema for me so I enjoyed that. Just don’t tell my mum I went and saw a gory film. She thought I was going seeing the film about the Queen. I’ll give this film a WELL NICE/10 because it made me learn about the olden days a bit.

Godzilla

Godzilla (or Gojira if you’re from China) is a film about a mega massive hench lizard monster that loves to be cheeky and destroy loads of buildings and stuff. There have been about one thousand different films with Gojira in, but this one is good because it’s not in foreign. At first I thought that this was a sequel to the excellent one from twenty years ago but then I remembered that they did a cartoon sequel for that which had a friendly Gojira monster in it. This is totally different.

It stars Brian Cranston as a scientist whose wife dies and then he goes a bit nuts and dies pretty early on which is a waste because he’s a brilliant actor. The proper main character is one of those wooden meat heads that can’t act that Hollywood seems to love who plays the son of Brian. He is married to Marykateandashley Olsons sister and she is a proper cutie. Probably the other most known actor is Ken Whatanarbay who loves to always say Gojira.

The plot can be summed up by two naughty evil monsters march towards America to mate and Gojira wants to eat them so he goes on holiday to America. LET THE FIGHT BEGIN. Cue loads of action packed scenes of buildings blowing up, army guys shooting things and monsters battering each other. There’s also a mega nice scene when the army guys jump out of a plane and parachute into the ruined city which looks proper cool. I won’t spoil the ending but Gojira wins by using some sick lightning breath attack which is pure badass.

All in all I really really enjoyed this film because of the action and because Gojira is cool so I will give it a WELL NICE/10. It could have scored higher if it had a theme song by Jamiroquai or if Brian Cranston had been in the whole film.

Attack the Block

Set in a London block of flats fam. Attack the Block is about some hooded youths fam who merk up a mad ting alien orang-utan type ting and then get chased by more alien tings in their ends. I thought this was gonna be like ET with a nice alien but it’s very sweary and violent film. My mum forgot to change to password to Amazon instant video so I watched this without her knowing. F**K DA FEDS FAM. One of the lads in it is from the Force Awakens so I thought he might use a lightsaber to kill the aliens, but dat aint how ting go down in da ends ya feel me. I really enjoyed this film because it has some good killings in it and is pretty scary yet very action packed at the same time. One lad gets his head pulled off and some others get clawed to pieces. It’s full of banging tunes and grime stuff music which is very popular at the moment so that is nice. It’s also really funny and is an underrated film. Overall I give this film a MADE TING NICE/10. It could have scored higher if it had some face hugger aliens like in the film Alien but the monkey aliens are still pretty cool fam. I reckon if aliens attacked my block then I’d be dead by them.

Star Wars Ranked

In this article I am gonna rank the Star Wars films from most not nice to best most nice. I am only including the 7 main films and Rouge One. Mega epic rubbish not nice ones like the Ewok one will not be included. I am also not including any amimated ones just because I don’t want to. I did change my mind a bit since Rouge One because I said in that review that I liked Episode 3 more than I do now.

8. Episode 4 A New Hope.

This movie was always my least favourite since I first saw it 2 years or so ago. It looks very dated and the lightsaber fight between Obi One and Dark Vader is laughably bad. It’s still a nice film don’t get me wrong but it’s just a bit boring compared to the others. The Death Star is a cool villain though and I like Chewbacca.

 

7. Episode 3 Revenge of the Sith

The acting is well bad in this film and so is the dialogue. “Oh Padme I love you but I’ll choke you to death lol” I like the lightsaber fight between Obi One and Anakin and burning Anakin was very scary but it just felt a bit average to me.

 

6. Episode 5 The Empire Strikes Back

This will probably get some hate because people seem to love this film but I don’t care. It’s still dated like 4 but a bit less so because it came out after it. The main reason I don’t like it is because there’s too much snow and the swamp planet with Yoda is bare boring. It’s only this high because Dark Vader is Luke’s dad. That bit was well shocking to me so George Lucas did a good job.

 

5. Episode 1 The Phantom Menace

I feel like this film is underrated. Sure it’s not the best in the series but the acting of Young Ani is decent for a kid and Natalie Portman is very cute. I also love the pod racing scene and the fight with Dark Maul is the best in the series by 10000000000000000 miles. Plus the toys for this film are really cool like Jar Jar plush toys and I got a nice micro machines set of the pod racers. The only bad point is that Liam Neeson dies again.

 

4. Episode 6 Return of the Jedi

This film is definitely the best of the first trilogy because it’s the least oldest one. It also contains the well cute Ewoks and has the cool speeder bike chase, which really gets my blood pumping. Probably the only reason it’s not in my top 3 is because the top 3 are better. But this is still a mega WELL NICE film.

 

3. Star Wars Rouge One

As stated in my review for this it’s a really really nice film. SO GO READ THAT REVIEW.

 

2. Episode 2 Attack of the Clones

This film is epic and has loads of proper cool bits in. Like Jango Fett and The Jedi v Robot arena fight and Dooku vs Yoda fight and Anakin getting his arms cut off. It’s pretty much non stop action from start to finish. R2D2 and C3PO are really funny in it as well, especially the bit when C3PO gets his head changed round. I also like that you see other jedi fight instead of the normal few. So yeah, it’s a great film. Only beaten by…

 

1. Episode 7 The Force Awakens

I’d never really been a big fan of the series until I heard that this film was coming out and my mum told me to watch the other films. I am glad that she took me to the cinema for this film because it is AMAZINGLY NICE. It’s got humour, sick action scenes like the assault on Maz Canadas pub and has a really cool bad guy in Ky Loren. His lightsaber is so awesome that I got all the toys of him and a light up lightsaber. It’s also nice to see Han and the gang back. (RIP Carrie Fisher) and the death of Han was proper shocking so again well done George Lucas. Probably the only thing I didn’t love in this film was C3PO’s red arm because it did not make any sense. But that is only a little thing.

 

Thanks for reading my list.

John Wick 2

(Woah, Spoilers)

John Wick 1 was a well nice action film from a few years or so back that featured an angry Keenwa Reeves doing bare killings because someone killed his dog (which was horrid) and stoled his car. This new film is the sequel to the first John Wick and I just watched it at the movies. In this film John has to do an assassination on a woman because an Italian guy ask him to and blows up his house in a mega big explosion. Fortunately his new dog does not die because I would have left the cinema. So John goes to Italy and the woman kills herself in the bath because of some reasons. John then gets double crossed by the bloke and a contract for £7 pounds put on him. He has to fight off loads of shit assassins when he gets back to America and kills two of them with a pencil which was like a proper sick killings. Then he meets Morphio from the Matrix and goes to an art show to kill the Italian. He does more sick killings on the beard unit and then kills a deaf girl. I missed that bit because I needed to do the toilet. It ends with him shooting the Italian right in the head in a hotel and then getting excomunicanded by the hotel owner because shooting people is only acceptable in a Premier Inn and not in a nice hotel. Then right at the very end John has to run because now the whole world wants him dead. Overall I really enjoyed this film because it has some sick killings in it and some good karate chops and punches, so I will give it a WELL NICE/10. It could have scored higher if it had shown the lady fully nude before she killed herself and if there was some high flying Matrix style stuff in it.