It is World War 2 and Chris Evans is a little weedy midget who wants to go and fight the Nazis but isn’t allowed to. So a German doctor gives him loads of steroids so he can be well muscly and beat up Hitler and win the war.
Meanwhile in Germany, Elrond and his little science pal Gianfranco Zola are using the tesseract to create loads of super powerful weapons to blow up the world and send an evil assassin to kill the German doctor who helps Chris Evans. Chris doesn’t like this and decides to become Captain America, a guy in a USA flag with a shield.
When he learns that his boyfriend Bucky has been captured he goes to Germany with the super cute hot Peggy to try and rescue him. He bumps into Elrond who pulls his face off and shows that he is a red skull faced elf and is evil like Sauron.
Joining forces with some other soldier dudes who aren’t roided up he starts attacking loads of hydra bases to try and find red skull guy, but oh no Bucky died off a train and I was well sad and cried a bit.
Cap finally catches up with red skull and there are loads of big explosions and shooting and killings and there’s a fight on massive plane jet. Red skull grabs the tesseract and gets burned alive or teleported into space or summat. Cap realises he has to crash the plane to save the world but that he won’t never get to do rude things with Peggy, which was confusing coz I thought he was going out with Bucky.
70 years later he wakes up in a hospital room and Nick Furry tells him he’s been asleep for ages and to stop being lazy.
Overall I give this film a WELL NICE/10. Mainly because it was good for BLT people to have a gay superhero. It would have scored higher if Cap, Bucky and Peggy had all had a threesome and I’d seen a willy but that’s my loss I guess.
WELL NICE FILMS 